Pure Moan

Sex is free but they get you on the accessories…

Category: Body Image (Page 1 of 3)

Shocking New Study Shows Men Responsible for 100% of Pregnancies!

I wrote a post intended to demystify the criticism that men place on a woman’s appearance and sexuality a month ago. That post was mostly inspired by stories of girls posting ‘Am I Beautiful?’ videos on Youtube and the kind of unbelievably mean unrequited comments men (boys) make on Youtube videos about ANY videos featuring young women (regardless of the subject).

Little did I know that so many prominent men with a large audience would parrot the dissected behaviors in public in the following weeks!

After a year of hinting at it in various creepy ways, right wing zealots in the U.S. have officially decided to wage a war against women, I am even more worried for young women, including teenagers.

Rush is Vandalizing The Lives of Girls!

When adults propagate lies about contraception and stigmatize women on the Pill by calling them sluts and whores, it filters into the rest of our lives. When Rush Limbaugh attacks a successful and educated woman on the radio, it diminishes all our accomplishments and vandalizes the everyday life of girls everywhere who will have to put up with more attacks from ignorant hate mongers and bullies in high school and college. And if Limbaugh’s 3-day tirade on Sandra Fluke wasn’t enough of a clue to his mysoginy, the following week he attacked an award-winning journalist and writer calling her “Overeducated”.

Here’s a thought:
Seeing a daughter make it through
law school, get published and win
awards probably makes all
parents really proud.

Does Rush really think his listeners hate their daughters as much as he does?

Sex Is Not Evil!

Sex is important. Sexuality is a much broader topic beyond ‘the having of the sex’. Sex is a skill, a set of knowledge, a quintessentially wonderful bonding activity for lovers. Sex is an important part of adult life. Sex gets better with age. The way one feels about sex and the quality of the sex they are having is directly linked to happiness (or lack thereof). Sex is simply part of the life of most adults, like sleeping and eating. Get over it!

We women bear the burden of sex. As soon as we are sexually active, we are the ones who are mostly at risk for STIs, unwanted pregnancies and violence (both emotional, psychological and physical). Women don’t refuse condoms, men do. Many women choose the pill out of necessity and it is a necessity for decades! While men only need to use a condom those times they do have sex we have to take a pill everyday even whether we have sex 3 or 333 times a year. If we forget, then the whole month’s effort is null and void. Birth control is not a sex-related responsibility, it’s a lifelong responsibility intrinsically linked to health and quality of life for women and their WHOLE family. Most women are on birth control, a statistic that seems constant across all walks of life. The burden is already large on women of reproductive age but it’s not enough for old white and orange men who continue to enact anti-human and misogynistic laws while displaying shocking ignorance on the subject (and even content of their bills).

Free speech: Sometimes, You Get What You Pay For…

Rush Limbaugh may be free to have constant inflammatory verbal diarrhea on his show but he seems to think he doesn’t have to be 100% responsible for what comes out of his mouth. You can say what you want but have to accept the consequences. Say something untrue, stupid or miss-leading and critics who will call you on your lies, ignorance and misrepresentations. Hate on accomplished young women day-after-day and people will start to pretend they don’t know you. Here and there, there will always be under-informed people who thinking that the right to free speech makes their lies true or their ignorance knowledge and that is sad. In Canada we have the same right to free speech as in the U.S. but generally speaking people who have an audience tend to not want to come off as complete ignorant fools when speaking or writing in public. There is no specific fetishization or celebration of stupidity or ignorance in Canada… yet… Sure, we have some monumentally stupid people here too but they don’t wind up with a syndicated national radio show. Even our anchorpeople are actual mature human beings with knowledge about or a sincere interest in the news they are talking about! U.S.-style stupidity is slowly creeping in on (Fox-like) Sun TV and on one particularly embarrassingly dumb trash radio station from my hometown but it’s still very much avoidable.

But what I now see in U.S. media is that the factual news is being replaced by gossip (sometimes billed as opinion) and comments (which devolve into off-topic hate speech and right-left feuds only a few moments after a story is published on most sites). Investigative journalism is being replaced by instigative journalism (where concerned parties’ comments are billed as attacks even if tame to avoid having to fact-check and provide context to the meat of the story.) The concept of news is getting really close to the bottom of the toilet bowl and soon, nobody will be able to save it from being flushed away forever.

Miss Eva Vavoom enjoys sharing life and sex tips with her girlfriends while knitting dildo cosies and drinking Genmaicha tea.

The Industry of Seduction

In her book Bossypants Tina Pey reveals that no Hollywood producer is going to hire a woman he doesn’t want to fuck. While she may have felt that this was a shocking new revelation, it was kind of obvious from the work product of the last 10+ years of American TV and Movies. While homely and ordinary men are still allowed to be on US television, regular looking women are generally sheltered from view. When mentioning this to men they will usually name one or two actress who has worked passed her 40th birthday, namely one that they would like to fuck. But generally, it would seem most new roles go to very beautiful young women and that is not the actual problem. The problem is that since women roles are doled out to beautiful women you’d like to fuck, they are entrapped into stupid storylines that involves them being naked, sexy and fuckable. As an active women over 40 who has purpose in life, I have a hard time relating to characters who’s only purpose and path is to seduce men in order to obtain what they want. Granted there are some women characters who work really hard at being recognized for their intellect in certain programs but they are only allowed to do so if they remain fuckable at all times. This inherent sexism is now present in ALL areas of life that can be seen through a TV or Movie screen. Female singers have to be fuckable, Reality TV stars have to be fuckable and even TV anchors have to be fuckable (and be indistinguishable in style to porn stars.) Most of the discourse or plot points in American TV shows are about super-sonsumerism, money and other highly artificial lifescape but yit is imperative that all women in them must be cause the largest amount of erections in male test viewers. Young women internalize this sexism as teenagers and grow up thinking that society will reject them if they do not attain a certain level of beauty. The sexist and misogynist attitude of the proverbial Hollywood producers is now present everywhere on the Internet, like forums and Youtube where men disparage women based on their appearance.

So I thought today that I would take a little bit on time to dismantle this sexist and mysoginist attitude for young women everywhere who have to endure the insolent comments of men about women.

It’s About Shame. It’s About Control. It really has nothing to do with you.

Men are generally quite attracted to women of all shapes and sizes and will be all too happy to share an intimate moment with you even if your left boob sags more than your right one. Any man who makes a disparaging remark about you or another woman’s level of attractiveness should be avoided at all cost. Men who do not like women should not be trusted as experts on female beauty. Those men should be discussing their fear of women with a psychiatrist and not you. There are many flavors of this type of mysoginy out there:

– The slut shamer : Someone who makes disparaging comments about women’s sexuality have issues with their sexuality, notably, how they are ashamed of themselves. Slut shamers feel more comfortable living in a mental space that enriches this reality by watching porn or porn-ey media that only allows fuckable women to be visible. If given the opportunity he’ll say things like: ‘women shouldn’t dress like sluts if they do not want to be raped’. The slut shamer is all too happy to put the responsibility for all his pent up self-hatred and sexual shame on a woman rather than face his own grave self-esteem issues. The slut shamer always has something incredibly innapropriate to say in all social circumstances and should be avoided at all cost.

– The control freak: The control freak must prevent women from rising above his status and he has found that the easiest way to do this is to criticize their appearance, age or any other aspect that is linked to outside appearance (or fuckability). Control freaks have found that making women insecure about their appearance, or comparing them to other women, is the easiest way to control them and limit their success in life. The control freak’s ultimate goal is to put a women in a place where she must obtain his validation in order to cross an imaginary door just ahead. Control freak can then pretend to dangle the key to aforementioned door in order to obtain various perks, advantages and sexual favors. It is easier to avoid slut shamers but control freaks tend to be validated in many spheres of business so you will encounter them more often. The control freak has no weapon against a independent and confident woman who does not need external validation.

– The slut shaming control freak : The slut shaming control freak lives in a strict confined mental place where women are second class citizens. His sentiment of superiority  and sexual shame come from the antiquated traditions of his religion. He sincerely feels that women are suspect and men are stewards of women and all their bodily functions. The slut shaming control freak is absolutely appalled by the idea that a woman could happily exist on her own and decide the course of her life, what she will study, where she will work, how many kids she will have and who she will fuck. If a women in his entourage steps aside the restrictive unrealistic confines of womanhood set forth by his cult, he will feel morally justified to psychologically or physically hurt her. The slut shaming control freak can be dangerous. Once he has outed himself, you should run away.

Beauty grows from the inside out

Most people over a certain age understand that outward appearance is not a good indicator of someone’s beauty. In the past 50 years, beauty has been completely commoditized. Beauty is therefore something you buy, not something you are. The media plays the control freak card in order to sell you beauty as something you must attain in order to be able to enjoy life. I have never run into a beach patrol unit that tells fat and ugly women to go away but this metaphorical entity has kept my mother from wearing a bathing suit on the beach for almost 20 years.

There are two really expensive subscription plans in our Western lives. For men it is the subscription to the promise of sex. For women it is the subscription to the promise of beauty.

You can opt-out! You will then have so much time to grow your beautiful self from the inside out. When your beauty stems from your confidence, your qualities, your accomplishments and your success, it becomes indivisible from YOU. This attitude will also win you an entourage of sincerely awesome people who provide great insulation against the increasing vapidity of modern life.

Courtney Stodden: I have a theory and I really hope it is true

Courtney Stodden is a teenage dominatrix who is currently punking the world with her bimbo experiment. For months when I saw Courtney and Doug on The Ridiculist I usually felt that she would probably wake up at 24 and be completely embarrassed by the past 8 years (as young adults often do…) But now I have changed my theory and it makes much more sense to me; or at least it gives more hope for humanity.

When I was Courtney’s age I fantasized that I was exactly the same person I have become today. In my fantasies I had 100% control over my life, did many spur of the moment projects, was in a plural marriage with 3 awesome men who got along great and dated a lot of really creative people. This is what I fantasized about constantly from about 12 until my early 20’s when I was able to do concrete things to realize my fantasies. It is therefore entirely believable to me that Courtney’s current phase could be a ploy to realize a very specific socio-sexual fantasy.

So far she has put on an award-worthy bimbo show, lured in a z-list celebrity husband who lives to clean up after her, shopped a lucrative reality tv show and has Dr. Drew on speed dial. Dr. Drew’s secret theory seems to be that Courtney will wind up on his ‘Celebrity Rehab’ program before she is even 21 but I am holding out for my own prize.

My theory is that after only a few years of punking the media with her bimbo experiment, creepy wedding and subsequent shower of inappropriate Facebook pictures, Courtney will tell us it was all a joke/performance to distract us and come out with a tell all book about the vapid creepy Hollywood bubble she now inhabits.

‘Cuz that would be funny and I would say ‘Bravo!’ and buy that book…

We live in a world obsessed with gossiping about BAD men while ignoring emerging stories of GREAT women

Everyday I wake up and look at the news to see who’s lying today. Politicians are turning into soul whores and it takes a lot of work to figure out who’s sponsoring their words and vote on any given day. What has become really odd this week though is that a relatively mundane miss-tweet has been blown up to immense importance. And you kind of expect news outlets like Fox and becoming-like-Fox CNN to avoid covering actual news and descend into water-cooler gossip but it gets worse. This week Jon Stewart devotied 4-5 show segments to Anthony Wiener’s2! Really!? Colbert followed suit on Wednesday by ALSO talking about the Wiener tweets which reference The Colbert Report and The Daily Show. Not only was that not necessary, it VERY Entertainment Tonight. I expect more from these people like biting commentary and funny skits about what actually matters.

I saw the Wiener tweet as it came out. Not from the source but as a screen grab repost. I immediately thought about the time I used Twitter’s new multi-account iPad app to tweet my glee about being invited to a lesbian sex party… to my consultant account!!! Big Oops. This is the kind of thing that will happen to everyone who uses social media services with the intent of sharing private information. Where mere mortals once embarrassed themselves by Replying to all, they now mistakingly @reply instead of private messaging. Yes, it will happen to you too!

Now that the content of the tweets are coming out I am surprised at how un-creepy they are. And I’m not comparing Wiener to Tiger Woods here (who should hold the creepy SMS message crown for a long time to come) but to messages that I have seen or received myself from married or attached men. I will explain later why those are inevitable. I tend to limit access to me by married men but I still count many a close friends.

As to pundits judging Wiener for cheating on his spouse, I find it odd and weird. Personally I reserve the term cheating on a spouse to engaging in secret behavior (sexual or emotional) that can harm a relationship or goes against a couple’s stated rules. Any act in itself cannot be construed as cheating by strangers who are not aware of a couple’s relationship rules. As a very attached polyamorous woman I spend a lot of time discussing such matters with a select group of people. In addition to my principal partner, I have one lover and recently released my slave boi after coaching him to build the BDSM relationship he wanted with his wife. Coaching men to accomplish their ideal sexual lifestyle is what I do… So obviously I spend a lot of time planning out my activities with my lovers and friends and keep my principal partner informed of my activities. In the end however I am responsible for my choices and my actions so I cannot go around sexting random men or tweeting naked pictures of myself because that would be unreasonable for someone who has no problem creating quality F2F time. I understand the incredible embarrassment public people must feel when their private conversations become public but I also think they should have known better. I take for granted that all my internet activity is public event if distributed in a very organized way to reach only the intended reader. I am not doing it to be secretive, I am doing it to spare people TMI moments. It very well may be that one of those recipients would release our conversations or that such conversations could become public through technology shortcomings, failure or vandalism.

There are some tidbits of info that don’t seem to be common knowledge yet.

Ladies, one of the things men worry about all the time is ‘Am I attractive to women in a sexual way?’. And they worry about this constantly even if they already have ONE woman. This only decreases slightly when they have TWO. While they are doing the stuff that Wiener did, they are seeking validation and thrills. It has nothing to do with intent to cheat on their partner. This is incredibly immature and very annoying for women but it’s the state of the world we live in. At this point it seems like all elected officials are using their clout and celebrity to get laid while proclaiming their family values, sexting shouldn’t be an issue.

And here’s another thing.

Gentlemen, most women on this planet will frown at receiving an intimate picture of you. 99% of women will puke when receiving a picture of your penis. I try to take this into consideration when teaching my cock-bondage class. I offer double warning when posting pictures of my previous work and mention in BOLD LETTERS in my class descriptions that I will have a live model and that many participants will bring their own pet trouser snakes to practice on (read: boyfriend or submissive).

And now we move into almost secret territory.

Male nudity makes women uncomfortable because we are not raised an socialized to see a man’s genitals as a source of pleasure. For a great portion of women on this planet, a penis is a sign of miss-used authority, a weapon of war, a tool of rape and a constant reminder of men’s sexual obsession made even more obvious today by pervasive porn culture in everyday media. If you are not sure yet that porn culture has invaded the media at large, just watch the MTV movie awards for just 30 minutes to hear at least 10 references to extreme sex acts which us Sex educators, perverts and BDSM folks usually reserve for discreet private conversations.

And this brings me to the next topic: Men behaving extremely badly.

I have been scrutinizing the media and researching women’s issues for about 30 years. I started reading Playboy and Penthouse at 10 years of age and have been searching for adult material since then. By adult material I mostly mean media created for adults, it didn’t have to be sex-related. But I can say that I have closely watched the commercialization of women’s sexuality in both pornography, TV, movies, beauty and fashion. And now I find myself living in a strange time. In the West we have women who think they are empowered but devote an enormous amount of their time being a slave to fashion and beauty standards that are unreasonable and unattainable. At work, they are still discriminated against, paid less and have to put up with men who behave like immature morons and get away with the sleaziest habits.

There is one thing that I am happy about right now. The ascension of women in the media. Because more and more women are journalists and gain clout in the editorial room, the stories of the women of the world are coming through in media. Stories of war, rape, assault, discrimination and also the stories of women heroes who are working hard to make a difference. These stories may be overshadowed by all the noise created by the Weiner’s2 gigglefest but they are there to us who seek true reporting about what really matters.

It is imperative that we work to bring equality for women everywhere because it is women who create the most value in this world and are the stewards of quality of life. And they continue to do it out of compassion and love despite being grossly violated along the way. The fabric of our society is disintegrating before our eyes as 50% of the world’s population is violently kept from contributing to a better tomorrow.

We have to stop gawking at the sex scandal of the day and focus on issues that have an enormous impact on our future.

Here are some stories that require your attention and why:

Does Wal-Mart Have A Sex Discrimination Problem?
Stay tuned, we’ll find out in 2025 because for the past 10 years women who have been systematically discriminated against during their employment at Wal-Mart have been fighting an interesting battle. They want to band together and sue Wal-Mart but the insanely rich company is fighting against their right to a class-action lawsuit. 10 whole years to get a decision on this matter?! This lawsuit demonstrate how hard it is for regular folks to bring attention to grave corporate matters because they have to take on armies of lawyers who have all the money in the world to drag out lawsuits until the complainants run out of money. However, this lawsuit affects 1.6 million women and it is the largest potential class-action suit ever proposed. The Supreme Court’s decision will give us an insight into their priority. I can’t wait to find out: Does the Supreme Court work for the biological people or the corporate people?

The Secret World of Child Brides
All over the world, girls and young women are traded as property and sexual objects. I am fascinated by international stories of family, love, sex and cultural traditions. In fact I would love to travel the world to document personal life, courtship, love and marriage in the world. There are two topics which are important in my every day life and those are sexual and reproductive freedom. Women in developing countries who do not have those rights and choices find themselves harmed by their elders before they even have the time to reach adulthood. I will repeat that women are the Earth’s greatest treasure and failing them will kill any hope we have for a decent future civilization.

And there are many more.

Blaming victims for crimes is so 1970s

The message I hope men get from this video is that they should not tolerate such comments from other men and be fully involved in the battle against this sort of attitude which has no place in today’s supposedly evolved society. (See below for context of this ad in the UK)

I grew up in a family situation where talk about sex was snarky, where comments about women were demeaning. When complaining about my mother’s peeping-tom boyfriend she would call me viscous and whore, which were words I did not understand. I understand what it is like to grow up in a place that blames women for the lewdness and vile actions of men. Such an education made me a ‘pervert’ starting at a young age (when I would have been just happy not having to deal with adult topics or sexuality) and it took me decades to develop a healthy sex life.

Now, as an adult woman involved in raising boys I understand that I also have a huge part to play in educating them in a positive and non-judgmental way about sex and women.

Emotionally mature and sexually educated men are a great gift to women 🙂

We need to shift from telling women not to get raped to telling men (who are the problem) that they have an important role to play in fostering a society where responsible sexual freedom flourishes and women are not victimized in the process. We are at a juncture in history where we must get together and end the cycle of violence (verbal, physical and sexual) against women in our Western society so that we may save the future of all man and womankind.

While I enjoy tremendous freedom as a polyamorous life hacker and dominatrix, I realize that I do not live is a sexually free society. Over the last 100 years, women have gone from being considered ‘non-humans’ to attaining a sort of liberation. The cost of this liberation is immense. Women may seem free to do as they please but have to endure endless criticism about the attractiveness of every part of their body, face ageism and wage discrimination in a society that still expects them to be twice as good and work twice as hard, while looking great, to merely fit into a world still rules by greedy rich old white men. Women may be free but they remain objects and products to a large sector of the male population.

I started thinking about these issues while writing promotional material for a self-defense class for women. Self-defense classes today do not address the reality that 97% of women who report rape or sexual assault knew their attacker. In most cases it is the romantic partner or date who victimizes a woman. Yet regular self-defense still teaches women how not to get mugged in a alley because if a woman gets victimized while on a date or during sex that becomes non-consensual, then she “was asking for it”. It became soul killing for me to sell self-protection to women when it is men who are the problem so I shifted my thought process to figure out a way to teach men how not to rape and I might be on to something that is positive, fun and in-line with my appreciation of men.

One important aspect of sex education that might be missing from the curriculum is teaching teens how to identify and not tolerate misogynistic speech and behavior around them. Right now, however, we are seeing the pendulum of sexism swing dangerously in the misandry direction. Negative speech about men abounds in ads and tv shows and it’s creating a divisive situation (for profit) that might infect a generation and make it harder to attain true equality of the sexes.

Another important step in educating young people to create a society where they enjoy a life of sexual knowledge, sexual quality and sexual happiness is misinformation. The lack of quality sex education in the past 20 years, or rather ‘abstinence only’ education, creates a wide open place for misinformation about sexuality. On one side, peer-to-peer education lacks context and facts. On the other, pornography is completely devoid of useful sex information. In the culture of porn one-upmanship actors perform to a sexual script that isn’t pleasurable to either participant. Also, for some reason porn producers have decided to package most everything they do as a product that infantilizes, demeans and victimizes women. I can see how creating a product that is highly addictive and captivating while harming the viewer’s self-confidence and reducing his ability to communicate with women is a wicked brilliant business plan… but it is hardly useful to us women.

I can attest with authority that men DO enjoy the intimate company of strong intelligent women who do not dress like teenagers. Usually, these are the same men who consume little to no porn and have well-aligned priorities. And, I am not down on all adult entertainment because intellectually challenging and emotionally mature ‘porn’ is awesome.

But back to the topic of sexual education…

The UK is WAY ahead of us on sex ed but only as a an urgent reaction to being the worst off country in Europe when it comes to STIs and teen pregnancies. Add legendary UK teen heavy drinking and drugs to the mix and you get the new reality of rape and assault which is that over 97% of women are assaulted by someone they know (NOTE: The same percentage of women report knowing their attacker in Canada and the US) Because there is a very low number of actual criminally insane serial rapists in the world compared to the growing number of crimes reported, it means that rape happens at a juncture of immaturity, impaired judgment, lack of education, misogynistic attitude, carelessness and stupidity and it is entirely preventable through a change in attitude and though education starting in high school.

Blaming women for rape is akin to saying rape is unpreventable and therefore it removes the blame from men who rape. It is wrong.

All of us have to figure out ways to fix this situation together here in the West. Then, and only then, we will not have the maturity and strength to help women and girls in developing countries recover from the violence of war and genocide and prosper. Else we are ALL fucked.

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