Pure Moan

Sex is free but they get you on the accessories…

Category: Dating (Page 1 of 5)

Postcard from Over-the-Hill

A phrase that has been used by men to describe women that are no longer worth pursuing for sex. It’s an old trope continued by the media.

Men do not know, however, what happens to us women who have bravely walked up the mountain and are now Over-the-Hill. So I am going to spill the beans.

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Inserting Truth in Advertizing: Ashley Madison

Pressured to conform to society’s limited options we get married and divorced again and again rather than work to create the type of relationship that allows us to grow and flourish. In this context, businesses like Ashley Madison can grow and flourish. I am pretty sure that Facebook had replaced Ashley Madison as the hookup creator for married people. I asked a law enforcement officer who stayed with us last year how often the word Facebook is uttered when responding to domestic disturbances… He said, one in three!! I find Ashley Madison’s slogan to be ridiculous. It’s a bit like Diesel co-opting the word STUPID. I re-made their advertizing to reflect the truth. I have never tried out or tested the Ashley Madison website because I have always seen it as a site that sells married women with issues to stupid single guys with little judgement. I do not feel targetted.

Original Ad (seen on a Torrent site)

Truth in advertizing

Well hello there! I recognized you from my future!

About once a year something strange happens to me. I will see someone and distinctively recognize them as familiar. I have observed this phenomenon more intensely over the past 5 years and now call it ‘recognizing someone from my future’. I used to call this phenomenon ‘falling in love at first sight’ because many times it has resulted in a loving relationship of mutual attraction.

How does it happen?

Many years ago I walked into a concert venue and saw a gorgeous guy in full Scottish regalia. I stood 5 feet away from him as he did his final rehearsal in a 8 by 8 dressing room. Those bagpipes really belch out the tingly sound waves! Here is someone I do not know, never officially met but was distinctly attracted to in that same way I described before. A few years later he called me, out of the blue. I did help him with his project and that is how I got to spend a little bit of time with him. He promptly moved far, far, far away 🙁

This experience, spanning two years, was the first inkling that this intense feeling of familiarity I have with supposedly new people is not necessarily a cheesy romantic notion. I have put that to the test three or four times since. When I saw a strikingly familiar co-worker I had never met before at an office Christmas party, I simply asked his name and what he did. In the months that followed, co-workers organized lunches inviting both of us, made a point to put us on the same projects (a totally inexplicable diagonal move) and within 6 months, I was sitting across from him. Now that we have both gone on to greener professional pastures, it remains highly likely that we will work together in the future as key team leaders on a huge project… a project of our own making. As it stands he has been a fixture in my recent past and should continue to be a super important fixture in my future!

I prefer my sci-fi route of explaining intense initial connection as ‘recognizing someone from my future’ because in that and a few other cases, the attraction is not initially based on romantic notions. Perhaps it is because my dance card has been already quite full in the past few years but I am much more interested in changing the world a bit with someone rather than hooking up with them. While my interpretation has drawn some critique or chuckles, it’s not any crazier than saying ‘falling in love at first sight’ (which has so many strange implications if you are like me and feel that love is different from lust and lives at the sustainable convergence of intense attraction and prolonged attachment.)

I have become so intrigued by this phenomenon that the last time it happened to me, about a month ago, I was frozen in fear, looked away and made myself sparse when I recognized this lovely chap at a garden party in Europe. The recognizee managed to find me, sit next to me and sweep me off my feet in less than 30 minutes! He captured my entire attention for 2 unbelievably amazing days! That was the most instantaneous application of the word ‘future’ I had ever experienced…

Now imagine if I was in a monogamous relationship and experienced this once a year. In a zero sum relationship world where one is only allowed to love or have sex with ONE person, meeting someone excitingly new tends to throw monos in a tailspin of questioning. And that is an issue all to itself. I do not have to live by any other rules than the ones I make with those who are very close to me and I really enjoy getting super excited about someone new. I can’t get too caught up into this though because my ability to have multiple stable relationships spanning decades with a few men comes from being careful and stable when it comes to romance. I cannot and do not want to change my whole life on a dime to be with someone I barely know even if I ‘recognized them from my future’! When I spent two lovely days with the European cutie, it constantly amazed me how he seemed like he had spontaneously manifested from my fantasies. I mean that in a holistic way because I attend to fantasize about people with skills and character, not so much in terms of looks or physical fetishes. Please do not send me messages about ‘The Secret’, I already know what that is.

The tales of my impromptu meeting and adventures with the European cutie have become a source of giggles for my principal partner and I. He is the one who paid for my trip to Europe last month. I give him 100% credit for creating this amazing experience after seeing me cooped up, starving, coding a startup for a year while also taking care of him and my daughter.

As a consummate life hacker, I am trying to see how this incredibly entertaining phenomenon will change in the future. I cannot create this experience, I can only react to it. As I make an effort to get out more, it’s a mathematical fact that I will meet more people who could become fixtures in my future. If that is the case then, that means I would mysteriously recognize more than ONE person per year (my steady average for about 10 years). Would that be hard to manage? I already lament how I do not have enough time to spend with the half-dozen keepers in my life.

The future will tell 🙂

Skout: A New Way of Hooking Up?

I am going to try to look at new ways to hook up in this post. No it is not a story of wild adventurous sex but rather a woman’s description of a mobile app experience with way too much geekyness thrown in. I do not wish to infringe on anyone’s personal life so there are no identifiable information in this post.

I installed Skout about a month ago. I am only talking about the free version here not the 4$ one. I learned about Skout from a BBC 3 program called Websex: What’s the Harm? I am fascinated by how teenagers grow up into adulthood… or rather how all the powers that be work together to keep young people immature for as long as possible (teenagers are the best consumers so it behooves marketers to keep young people teens until 30) In Websex, Nathalie Emmanuel follows teens who use the Web and mobile technology to hook up. It is a very interesting documentary if you can find it. It took a whole year for me to get around to installing Skout on my Android phone!

I created a profile description and was rejected for being explicit. Since the app message was robotic in nature I suspected that the system simply flagged me for an inappropriate word. I therefore changes my description to reflect that I am a ‘s3x educator’ and all was fine from then on! I used my domina handle wondering if someone would look past it and Google me. None of the 20 or so guys I chatted with did any background check… Surprising (but not in a good way.)

Skout is a mobile profile-based chatting system with the usual dating site features such as picture gallery, backstage (I assume for sexier photos) descriptions, about me and a status update. Other features are comments on the photos, gifts, a hot list and blocking feature as well as the ability to search by distance, age, city and gender.

Skout is based on a points system. As with other mobile apps you can get additional perks or points by downloading other apps or games. In app points can be used to buy access to other people’s backstage photos and by that same logic, the points you spend on access to a backstage go to the other user who set up a backstage. The fact that this is not gendered is good because I have a huge thing against all types of system that deceive men into paying access while selling them the female user-base as the product (The main scam of most online dating services.) Points can also be used to send pictogram gifts to others which is cute. If you want to know the relative popularity of a user on Skout, you can look at how many gifts they have. That is only a partial indicator of popularity because giving a gift is pushed when you add someone to the hot list and therefore not an endorsement of someone talent as a conversationalist.

One of the more informational aspects of the system is looking at the comments men make on women’s photos. These can usually give away a lot of information about someone’s motives or level of class 🙂 I find online comments of a sexual nature by strangers to be very off putting but since I do not sell myself online (literally or figuratively), I don’t have to delete any of those… Yet men still find a way to make very inappropriate comments on my Facebook photos… this is weird to me.

I find the medium of Skout to be too similar to SMS and too asynchronistic (not in real-time). Meaning that it takes too long to get a reply for it to be a conversation. I take for granted that all users, especially the younger ones are involved in another activity or many chats so I do not expect a reply but unfortunately, the system does not always update the screen when a new message comes in. You have to leave the conversation and come back in order to view the reply.

Skout is super invasive as it will buzz about every hour of the day or night. In order to keep Skout on my phone I have taken to putting it on Airplane mode when it’s time to sleep (That is easier than changing the notification setting in the app every time.)

Other than that the geolocation seems accurate enough to be useful. I enjoy the fact that I can use the app to direct attention to people who are conveniently located. I am not specifically looking for someone but if I do meet a like minded person it is better if they are close by or reachable without long-distance charges. I get the impression that the system is not as awesome for guys because I get a lot of messages from men who are in the US, which is not a place I find myself very often.

The user base of men is mostly under 30. As usual the oeuvre that is American Pie continues to deliver to women my age an endless stream of attention from young men 18-25. But be careful with Skout. While it is open to users over 18, a lot of the young users are actually UNDER 18. Some say it in their profile which is helpful. As a mature adult who often finds herself doling out love advice and answering sex-related questions in great details, I am weary of the fact that the receiver might be under 18 and it open me up to issues with inappropriateness. Of course SEX ED should be doled out in great details to kids 12+, something I have outlined in great details before. But I am more worried about people using this system to target young women in their area in order to stalk them, or create relationship with huge power imbalances, the kind of relationships older men conduct with younger women in their early twenties. Young women are not very clued into the tricks that older men (often married ones) use to scam them out of time and sex with no intention of creating a lasting relationship. Skout would be an efficient boost on productivity for creepy guys.

I plan to meet maybe one or two guys I have chatted with on Skout. Having a spouse and lover means that I have to consider really hard where I give my attention. I cannot take on a new relationship without considering the time it takes to give it proper attention and create something that is lasting. I am always up front about my poly situation and what it means in terms of everyday life. All my relationships are between 2-20 years long 🙂 I plan to remove the application because my success rate with men is so much greater with those I meet in person inadvertently or by chance or though common friends. I find myself entertaining men with funny/unusual/sexy banter on such sites but it rarely turns into a situation where I am ALSO intrigued in return so it can only be a pastime and not a love finding tool. Still there are a lot of truly adorable guys on Skout.

So I give Skout 3 out of 5 stars. It is intriguing and has the right parts even though the UX is lacking and the app design only 50% of the way there. I hope Skout, Inc. improves it in the next few months.

So let’s move on to the advice.

Much of the profiles for men in my age range (40+) seem fishy. As with any system that is somewhat anonymous, there are plenty of people who misrepresent themselves on Skout. I am not talking about the married-but-saying-he-is-divorced type of emotional lair but rather fake profiles purposefully created to separate women from their money.

AVOIDING SCAMMERS ON SKOUT (An aside)

Men often tell me that most women on dating sites are fakes or ‘professionals’. I truly wonder how efficient it is for women who charge a retainer for being your girlfriend and if that was a good deal for the men who partake. I would love to hear some of your experiences. But here I am simply talking about he usual scam of faking emergencies and asking for money online.

The Great Thing About Skout is that it is location based. I am using an example I have observed first hand here, this is not a stereotype. Cell phone use is growing in Africa. This is absolutely wonderful for millions of people and kids who will have access to so wikipedia, Google, net radio and video. I expect great things to keep coming out of Africa in the next 5 years, including mobile startups as mobiles are recharged and not as susceptible to spotty power availability like desktops. Much of Africa doesn’t have landlines, the only viable and practical solution for connectivity in Africa is cell phones. They have less moving parts who can fall prey to dust intrusion (sand in Northern Africa is not like beach sand, it is a very powdery substance that gets into everything!) so expect Africans to be the driving force behind mobile usage trends in the next 5 years.

So, finally, here’s my explanation of why Skout inavertantly gives up people who are lying…

– If a user in Lagos, Nigeria creates a fake account.
– He copy-pastes his usual description which is long-winded and makes the following statements. It includes what seems like a real name. It makes the statement that he is a widower or unfortunately divorced (abandonned), well-to-do, Christian looking for a God-fearing woman with some form of urgency in the message. All of these statements are meant to attract sincere, nice and sweet women as they are the most easily scammed out of money. I do not knw of anyone who would call themselves God-fearing… I mean it doesn’t really make any other statement than iviting others to co-opt the word of God in order to manipulate you. So any profile that specifically request a God-fearing person has to be flagged as the most obvious scam attempt in online dating history. At this point a profile photo is submitted and approved by the staff along with the description.
– Then the person uses the system and uploads more photos. HOWEVER, these photos are geotagged and Skout can now properly display the user’s distance from you. So his profile shows weird discrepancies… If you are a New York City businessman, then why are you uploading pictures from 5981km away?

This is the joy of mobile technology… It is possible to fool a system’s geolocation abilities BUT it’s too hard to do for confidence scammers without deep understanding of how their phone works. Also, it’s hard to pay constant attention to the behavior of the GPS and IP geolocation system.

It is always important to see the person’s profile and read it carefully. I am always annoyed when I see profiles of service men which are written in an obvious non-American way and are most likely fakes using the good human capital of service men to scam women out of attention or money. Women do not mention publicly how this scam is prevalent on online dating sites for the past 10 years!

Blaming victims for crimes is so 1970s

The message I hope men get from this video is that they should not tolerate such comments from other men and be fully involved in the battle against this sort of attitude which has no place in today’s supposedly evolved society. (See below for context of this ad in the UK)

I grew up in a family situation where talk about sex was snarky, where comments about women were demeaning. When complaining about my mother’s peeping-tom boyfriend she would call me viscous and whore, which were words I did not understand. I understand what it is like to grow up in a place that blames women for the lewdness and vile actions of men. Such an education made me a ‘pervert’ starting at a young age (when I would have been just happy not having to deal with adult topics or sexuality) and it took me decades to develop a healthy sex life.

Now, as an adult woman involved in raising boys I understand that I also have a huge part to play in educating them in a positive and non-judgmental way about sex and women.

Emotionally mature and sexually educated men are a great gift to women 🙂

We need to shift from telling women not to get raped to telling men (who are the problem) that they have an important role to play in fostering a society where responsible sexual freedom flourishes and women are not victimized in the process. We are at a juncture in history where we must get together and end the cycle of violence (verbal, physical and sexual) against women in our Western society so that we may save the future of all man and womankind.

While I enjoy tremendous freedom as a polyamorous life hacker and dominatrix, I realize that I do not live is a sexually free society. Over the last 100 years, women have gone from being considered ‘non-humans’ to attaining a sort of liberation. The cost of this liberation is immense. Women may seem free to do as they please but have to endure endless criticism about the attractiveness of every part of their body, face ageism and wage discrimination in a society that still expects them to be twice as good and work twice as hard, while looking great, to merely fit into a world still rules by greedy rich old white men. Women may be free but they remain objects and products to a large sector of the male population.

I started thinking about these issues while writing promotional material for a self-defense class for women. Self-defense classes today do not address the reality that 97% of women who report rape or sexual assault knew their attacker. In most cases it is the romantic partner or date who victimizes a woman. Yet regular self-defense still teaches women how not to get mugged in a alley because if a woman gets victimized while on a date or during sex that becomes non-consensual, then she “was asking for it”. It became soul killing for me to sell self-protection to women when it is men who are the problem so I shifted my thought process to figure out a way to teach men how not to rape and I might be on to something that is positive, fun and in-line with my appreciation of men.

One important aspect of sex education that might be missing from the curriculum is teaching teens how to identify and not tolerate misogynistic speech and behavior around them. Right now, however, we are seeing the pendulum of sexism swing dangerously in the misandry direction. Negative speech about men abounds in ads and tv shows and it’s creating a divisive situation (for profit) that might infect a generation and make it harder to attain true equality of the sexes.

Another important step in educating young people to create a society where they enjoy a life of sexual knowledge, sexual quality and sexual happiness is misinformation. The lack of quality sex education in the past 20 years, or rather ‘abstinence only’ education, creates a wide open place for misinformation about sexuality. On one side, peer-to-peer education lacks context and facts. On the other, pornography is completely devoid of useful sex information. In the culture of porn one-upmanship actors perform to a sexual script that isn’t pleasurable to either participant. Also, for some reason porn producers have decided to package most everything they do as a product that infantilizes, demeans and victimizes women. I can see how creating a product that is highly addictive and captivating while harming the viewer’s self-confidence and reducing his ability to communicate with women is a wicked brilliant business plan… but it is hardly useful to us women.

I can attest with authority that men DO enjoy the intimate company of strong intelligent women who do not dress like teenagers. Usually, these are the same men who consume little to no porn and have well-aligned priorities. And, I am not down on all adult entertainment because intellectually challenging and emotionally mature ‘porn’ is awesome.

But back to the topic of sexual education…

The UK is WAY ahead of us on sex ed but only as a an urgent reaction to being the worst off country in Europe when it comes to STIs and teen pregnancies. Add legendary UK teen heavy drinking and drugs to the mix and you get the new reality of rape and assault which is that over 97% of women are assaulted by someone they know (NOTE: The same percentage of women report knowing their attacker in Canada and the US) Because there is a very low number of actual criminally insane serial rapists in the world compared to the growing number of crimes reported, it means that rape happens at a juncture of immaturity, impaired judgment, lack of education, misogynistic attitude, carelessness and stupidity and it is entirely preventable through a change in attitude and though education starting in high school.

Blaming women for rape is akin to saying rape is unpreventable and therefore it removes the blame from men who rape. It is wrong.

All of us have to figure out ways to fix this situation together here in the West. Then, and only then, we will not have the maturity and strength to help women and girls in developing countries recover from the violence of war and genocide and prosper. Else we are ALL fucked.

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