This article refers to the anonymous concern trolling article posted in Thought Catalog titled “Wait A Second, Did Amy Schumer Rape a Guy?“.

I am going to answer the question posed in the article even though it seems like it is the commentators who require a fair dose of education about the topic of the article. In fact this Question “Wait A Second, Did Amy Schumer Rape a Guy?” is somewhat similar to a question I read on Reddit after the Broad City episode “In Heat” where Abbi continued to have sex with her date (Male Stacy) after he falls asleep.

First of all, there is information missing from this story. Notably how did Matt feel about the encounter? This is perhaps the most important part of the story of consent, which is left out. Now this is most likely because Amy is referring to a typical part of learning about sex in a society that fetishizes sex but shames its practitioners. And I am talking about learning about sex by having multiple regrettable sexual experiences. This is how most kids gain experience on the road to maturity. It is the worst possible sex education experience one can hope for but it’s the norm in this society where real sex education is no longer offered. It is always a terrible idea to have sex when one or both of the participants are inebriated. Yet it remains how lots of people deal with the awkwardness of inexperienced sex. Avoiding sex when there is intoxication is perhaps the simplest rule of thumb to follow in life and it will save you so much aggravation.

Secondly the situation here is that Matt booty called Amy and she showed up at his place. Which eliminates the predatory aspect of many consent violation scenarios. And again, how did Matt feel about this encounter? That is an important part of the equation. And this anonymous concern trolling article completely fails to bring this fact up. I do not see anywhere “Well we should ask Matt about how he feels about this because surely he can tell us if he felt violated.” It is untrue that men cannot be raped. Sure the word definitely infers unwanted penetration but that doesn’t mean men cannot be raped. That is why I always use the term sexually aggressive consent violation. It is descriptive while being vague enough to encompass all the ways in which someone can infringe upon another person’s space, safety, self. The reason why alcohol is often brought up in rape prevention is that alcohol is a tool used by sexually aggressive consent violators to facilitate their work. The aggressor in this scenario only pretends to be drunk so as not to let on that he is creating a huge gap in ability to defend one’s self. We do not hear about women using alcohol to increase their odds of sleeping with a guy because alcohol has a terrible effect on men’s ability to have or keep an erection. On the other hand, strangely, maybe it is because of porn (showing men having sex AT women rather than WITH women) that educates the male brain into thinking a woman doesn’t really need to be present (of mind) for sex to happen anyway. A notch on the belt is a notch on the belt I guess…

Lastly, I come from the BDSM community where the idea of playing while intoxicated is seen as the worst possible plan someone could have. Consent is important. Safety is important. Partners are vetted over 6 months before being considered for relationship or play. As a very old woman, I don’t even have all the time in the world to pick and choose sexual partners, but the sex I am not having today will likely still be available tomorrow. If it isn’t then that is okay too. I don’t see why judicious sexual partner management can’t be a factor in the life of young people too. They have all the time in the world to consider good sex partners and plan awesome sex for decades to come.

That is why I coach guys 18-24 on the topic of sex. I am amazed at the lack of sexual confidence. There is this incredible feeling of missing out / not being accepted if you don’t have sex. There is a lack of knowledge about really basic sex stuff. There is shyness and inability to discuss the sex that will be had. There is a total lack of sex planning. It is obvious that teenagers start having sex a long time before they have the knowledge, skills and confidence to proactively make it awesome. Because let’s not kid ourselves, sex remains a hugely important part of adult life and it may just be the last thing people can do for free to their heart’s content.