Today I could toot my own horn on so many things but this is my personal journal so… I will make fun of my own silliness and regret posting it tomorrow.

I have been writing dialogue (TV script form – R-Rated stuff, kinda scandalous) and in this dialogue there are flashbacks to events of my life going back 30 years. Because it seems like my life is weirder and more eventful than anything I could make up. Here is a flashback-scene that occurs during an episode that deals with ‘territorial issues’ between friends/lovers in polyamorous situations.

1988 – Bitty and Lloyd Jr. watching TV in the living room.

Bitty: “Oh cool. I’ve never seen this before.”
Lloyd Jr.: “Argh, I can’t watch this.”
Bitty: “Oh no!!!”
Lloyd Jr.: “I can’t believe he did that!”

Sensing distress, the dog runs to Lloyd and Bitty to calm them down.

Lloyd Jr.: “I can’t watch this…”
Bitty: “No, I want to see what will happen.”
Lloyd Jr. gets up and walks away.

On the TV screen the new alpha lion is holding a lifeless cub in his jaw.

I always want my dates to be right so I pulled a stack of pictures from when I was about 17. There he is, Lloyd Jr. in the living room with our beloved dog. This was taken in his mom’s apartment. She and I lived together on and off.

Who is Lloyd Jr?

He is my first love! I remember us running around in the apartment my mother had when I was in pre-school (5 years old.) That’s a LONG time ago! I would not call our relationship that close as he hid the fact that he is gay from me until I ran into him in a gay bar about a year after this picture was taken. He didn’t keep it from me as much as from ‘my side’ of the family. This was before the big coming out of the closet paradigm shift circa 1996 (if you are old enough to remember how things were before Ellen came out of the closet and ‘Will & Grace’ hit the air.) At the time I had a bisexual boyfriend and a gay roommate so I didn’t let him ‘have it’ but c’mon! LLoyd Jr (who is 5 years older) and I have ALWAYS had a platonic relationship. In fact when you are a kid, ‘crushes’ don’t really have much of a sexual or even romantic connotation.

While I had many absolutely adorable faux-cousins growing up (two became Chippendale-type dancers LOL) Lloyd represented the ideal of beauty. After that every guy I met was subconciously measured against Lloyd Jr’s looks. But then again I do not date my ‘type’ as I am very much into personality and being ‘handsome’ is not an accomplishment!

Lloyd Jr moved to Montreal to study at the fancy economics school and took up wearing fancy financier suits and striped shirts. My favorite moment after that is Lloyd Jr. and I in bed in his apartment while he’s talking to a female classmate on the phone and saying: “There is a girl in my bed! I swear, I’m not lying LOLz”.

It took awhile for me to also move to Montreal and since then I have only run into him occasionally. For the past 20 years I have been busy full time with relationships and I haven’t been single for more than a few months at a time. I ALREADY have a ‘Best Gay’ and I don’t see him often enough! I’ve also been on a ‘women friends’ quest.  I know he tried to reach me awhile back but I have been too lazy to do anything about it. I am uncomfortable asking his mom for his phone number because our moms gossip about us! I will! Promise! And I have really cool stories to tell him… but I live in a very queer world that seems so far out of his own world.

I looked at my past relationships, not the ones I build with success, but the ones directed by cupid’s arrow and realized that every 10 years I fall in love inexplicably with someone out of the blue. Strangest part is that it’s been mutual.

The second guy who falls into that category is the bisexual boyfriend I had when I was 19 years old. We met at a common acquaintance’s house and were together while I was in college. When he met me, he sat down next to me and kissed my hand saying that it was lovely to make my acquaintance. And I looked at him like he was an alien, I’m sure. He was kind of ‘old’ for a 28 year-old, regal and serious and somehow we wound up making out in one of the guest rooms after playing Scrabble got underwhelming. He was REALLY a Top but in a very intellectual way. We had lots of naughty fun because I seemed to be the only non ‘square’ girl in his life. We once ran into this girl I used to model with and she, knowing him, addressed him with the polite version of you (‘vous’.) Cute! I was the only person who knew him fully and eventually that caused problems because he is in politics and became more secretive about his life and past.

The third one I will be close to for the rest of my life. Strangely, I had ALWAYS felt we were incompatible but he recently said the contrary.

Last year Mr. M. waltzed in (ETA: And I felt what must be an incredible sense of recognition!) When I recently pulled out the picture above I was all like ‘Holy Fuck!’ they look exactly the same (I’ve since sent side-by-side shots to a few people who say it’s the same person 10 years apart.) It’s strange that it took me so many months to realize that. And it’s not a looks thing as much as general personality. But did this subconsciously make me ignore The Gates by Christo that is Mr. M? But I’ve long thought of Mr. M. as “This guy is going to be my death!” So I haven’t been completely blind.

I have had much better relationships built on foundations of friendship and compatibility and now that I know Cupid is not necessarily my friend, and may just be messing with my head, I will beware who suddenly appears in my life in 10 years time.