For the past month, on and off, I have been working on writing a sales documents to aim CJO’s self-defense classes to a college and university crowd. He teaches self defense for sexual situations that become non-consensual in the context of BDSM. He draws from 32 years of Aikido and now Systema to teach techniques to get out of chokes and fight back when minimally restrained.

If you have seen the last two James Bond movies, you may have noticed the strong emphasis on hand to hand combat (and parkour.) James Bond uses Systema extensively to fight while in handcuffs or in awkward positions and that includes the cool trick where he disables 4 guys in an elevator while going down just two floors. These are actual doable techniques that have been taught and used by KGB agents. Such techniques are the basis for a few of CJO’s classes.

At some point it became evident to me that his self defense class would work extremely well outside of the lifestyle. Therein lies the trick to making his teaching career his main and only occupation.

One out of 4 women of college and university age report being sexually assaulted. In over 95% of these cases the woman knew her attacker. Let’s face it, one can walk down dark alleys all they want, a woman is more likely to be raped by an acquaintance and in a situation where things may start out consensual but get out of hand. Throw in drugs and alcohol, peer pressure and bad judgment and you get a cocktail for disaster.

It’s easy to sell CJO to the BDSM crowd, most people already know him and I just have to lather on the sexy pictures of him and tweak the text to aim to a female audience (Basically a person like me.) I have done my research and re-written CJO’s documentation for a mainstream crowd and will soon see if it finds an audience. From the feedback I get from friends and the written feedback on his classes, they are quite pleasant and empowering. I look forward to learning all this myself. I can see quite clearly how this will catch fire once I can produce quality photos of his work and video and add Youtube and Facebook to the marketing mix.

I do find it very annoying though to sell self-defense classes to women and put the responsibility of assault protection on them when it is mostly men who assault to begin with. I have only found one article that addresses this issue and asks men to help prevent rape. However, how many guys are likely to read a long article on such a topic or even buy a book on the matter. If they don’t plan on doing it they don’t feel concerned and if they do well it will fall on deaf ears.

I live in a world where even the most extreme scenarios are possible provided they are negotiated, safe, sane and consensual. I am really curious to know what happens in the mind of young people, both male and female, as they wind up in sexual situations that becomes non-consensual. I am sure this can be prevented at some point through education of guys. So I am pondering the paradox of how to teach guys to understand the concept of consensuality in a modern world in a way that would make them sign up for the class in hordes.

Last night CJO and I were talking about a workshop he is revamping on how to find the right BDSM partnership. We folks have the added challenge of fishing in a much smaller pond. I find it hard because I encounter lots of Doms who are… not! So if there is a majority of sub and a minority of Doms and a lot of Doms are full of bullshit well, I am at a mathematical disadvantage. As a Domme, however, I can snap my fingers and choose from an assortment of adorable subs and it is really tempting! However, CJO and I are on the same quest of finding one compatible monogamous partner which may seem very traditional when vanilla and lifestyle peeps alike are pushing the boundaries of sexual ‘liberation’ even further. He said that he wanted to use me specifically as an example for his workshop of an ideal earnest sub who is most likely to find a successful BDSM relationship. I was floored, flattered, intrigued and surprised! I mean, CJO knows I fell in love with that other guy who never made due on any of his intentions, or plans with me. The guy who fucked up, admitted it and seems to tinker on the making up part but doesn’t and with whom I have had the most frustratingly vague and disastrous communication breakdown in my whole life. The guy I have gotten mad at over the past week. The guy I wish would send me a huge animated glitter text with bees that says “Buzz off!” so I can move on and stop hoping he will magically revert to his friendly self.

But of course this fact cannot erase the time that I have put into my relationship building with CJO. For over a month now I have been ‘working him’ in the same way I work most people whom I like and want to get to know. Geographical distance has made it possible for us to have this perfect old-fashioned courtship which is very pleasant. While no subject is taboo our interactions are intellectual and centered around non-sexual activities. I have found that he is the person he presents himself to be. He is no bullshit, no drama, very respectful, aims to please and generous with the praise and the feedback. I think some people have the image of a Dom or Master as a mean scary person however CJO is a confident charismatic leader who has that ‘star quality’ that I find so endearing in all my friends. My most successful relationship to date sprung from an office romance because I was able to discover my ex-husband slowly (‘slowly’ is the operative word here because our first conversation, in 1995, went like: “Can I have ROOT on that machine, I need to program a script.” to which he replied “No fucking way!” and hung up the phone.) But all that being said, there are more layers in BDSM than your average relationship and I have to wrap my head around the ‘Beast’ that CJO is. Did I mention something somewhere about lions?

But all this discussion about intently working on the intense relationship that one wants to have gave me a lot of ideas on how to ponder my paradox. I think it lies in what I have been doing all along in the past few years which it to teach and mentor Yoshi, who was 19 when we met, on what has turned out to be a path of strong sexual empowerment based on ethics and values. CJO started on this path at 19 as well and he’s turned into a total Invincible and all powerful sex god. That is who he intently works on being through skills, fitness, ethics and values. He doesn’t introduce himself as Batman though. I know this from the people who know him, love him and aggressively lust after him (quite entertaining.)

And look at me all happy to be helping him out with his project without him even specifically asking! But I certainly wouldn’t do it if he was an asshole in return. I am taking a page from the book of Samantha and Smith on Sex in The City and as long as he is up for the challenge then there is no end to the ideas and challenges I can pose to him whether he gets to benefit from them or I do!

I have to tell him about a idea of mine 🙂