Made you look!
Yesterday I had lunch with the foremost expert on me. Very interesting! He encourages me to do stuff I am really on the fence about or afraid to do. Last time it was the writing. I’ve been writing absolutely unpublishable stuff but that’s the point… write the unfiltered truth and start practicing fiction. It’s been an adventure. Right now I don’t have a problem, I have a challenge! And challenges are what I live for. I am also considering a bigger contract. I mean I have to take a few of those a year if I want to do cool stuff.
Now on to the meat of the matter.
Lately, I have enjoyed pondering how my brain is changing. I have been working on this post for a little while. I didn’t really know how to explain it.
For the 15 years that I had PCOS and my brain was different.
I wasn’t afraid to tell people I was a crossdressing man stuck in a woman’s body. I mean in my super straight vanilla entourage of ten years ago that was a very loaded statement! I said it half-jokingly but it’s true. I have some female-to-male (FtM) transgendered and Queergendered friends and acquantances (over 10 so it’s not true that there are only 7 trans guys in the world LOL) and I have always known deep inside that my masculinized brain came entirely from chemistry and hormones that is thrown off by Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.
I was born a girl, grew up happy to be a girl and continued to stick to my womanhood even though my brain felt somewhat different. I didn’t feel super-male, just very indifferent about gender. I am not like my friends who have always been male regardless of the body they were born in. They’re actual dudes!
At the same time I was working in a predominantly male industry and it seems like I developed a knack for thinking like a guy. Maybe it’s the acquired superpower from my malady. I benefit from it! I used to think I was bisexual but I sincerely threw myself into a mosh pit of queer girl fabulousness and all that mildly stuck are the girls who are one-by-one transitioning into men today. Well then that means they were guys all along so I must be more straight than I ever expected. I haven’t shared my experiences in that crowd because I have zero cred as I am a stereotypical hetero-normative woman, perhaps poly-queer but not very feminist LOL
For the past few years my brain is changing because of hormonal regulation. I have my period on queue (before I didn’t or rarely did.) I am like a teenage girl again and I have PMS. I hate PMS! OMG I want to cry all the time. I should seriously be seeing a specialist for this and I just may.
I have been empowered in my journey by my friend Jacky. He is a mom like me and over the past three years that we have known each other has been fucking with gender in the coolest imaginable ways. For the past year he has officially transitioned to male and has been on hormonal treatment for about 6 months. Jacky is an anthropologist so you can bet he has a LOT of insight into what he going through. He’s a GenderQueer Superhero. His blog is a great read. He was on the radio recently and I almost didn’t recognize his voice. I have always identified him as male from the very first time we met so this process has always seemed obvious to me. But I could not imagine a few years ago though that he would actually look so much like a guy once the physical process began.
I also follow Jacky’s lead in getting in touch with my feminine side and not freaking out when it rears it’s head. Jacky performed as a drag king for a few years in the process of getting in touch with his macho side. I say macho because Gary Dickinson, his Drag Alter-Ego is a macho asshole and he is fun to hang around LOL I am getting over being all macho myself and discovering being vulnerable. Men and women are capable of the full range of all genders I just associate the macho thing to my temporary maleness. Hanging up my metaphorical Domina whip and seeking someone who truly fits into the more traditional male gender role is a huge thing because he is likely to make me a total emotional wreck. I don’t talk about this with my transsexual girlfriends because I am simply on my own body’s hormones and not on hormonal therapy.
What I saw happen with Mr. M was new to me. He evoked a slew of new feelings I was not that much in touch with and I freaked out LOL We had some interesting conversations regarding gender roles and power dynamics! Sincerely I don’t mind getting emotional or crying, I have just been wired to be totally ashamed and embarrassed by it. I write emotional stuff and start crying and then, stop… The shut off valve still works! Interrupted crying gives me a headache. I read that it’s supposed to relieve stress. I haven’t had a good cry in years!!! I got going pretty good Monday (was writing.) Both times CJO just happened to call. He is the all powerful protector and he just happens to call when I start crying. He’s got superpowers!
I am feeling quite emotionally naked right now with all my over sharing. Not just here but in various focused forums and with all the guys. But I see it as the process of coming out of the closet and being transparent.
I wonder what pretty clothing I will buy myself as a reward for my weight loss. I need a whole new wardrobe as I will be hitting the 30 pnds mark pretty soon. This is another advantage of not having PCOS, my body is returning to the weight I was when I was 22. I am not actually dieting which either makes people think I am nuts or lying. Can you see me dissapearing in front of your eyes?! Really, the same mechanics that made me gain 30 pound in a few months when I was 22 are reversing and sending me back to my former weight. I will likely be going back to the gym when the New Years Resolution rebates roll in just to get my metabolism going and toning up. My back/vertebrae really does not hurt anymore. I mourn the loss of my butt. There is a free social fix to this, I can ask all my friends to always tell me my butt looks huge in whatever I am wearing. There you go.