This is one of those rare journal entries recounting my Saturday…

My day started with an e-mail from Mr. M essentially putting an end to the relationship we had started to build. I was anxiously expecting this message and it brought the closure that I needed. Mr. M. and I started off swimmingly. I have never encountered someone who came on to me so strong initially. Normally I would have brushed him off but I really liked him. And he was so non-generic in everything we talked about that he became a great source of inspiration. I can’t say I fantasize about random guys. What others call fantasizing, I call “planning”. Really, I have no use for fantasies that cannot come true so my fantasies are “50% Naughty activities/50% Strategy to make it happen”. So basically there is no fodder for planning naughty adventures with someone who is not available to me. But during the week that Mr. M. communicated to me very clearly that he was in my future, I had a lot of planning fun. But now that is over because I drove him nuts with my scrutinizing. People are not perfect and it is actually their mix of imperfection that makes them unique and real. I knew what I liked and didn’t like and I was still quite enamored with him nonetheless. So even though I was looking forward to a decisive missive from him, I was sad that it didn’t work out. So I can’t “plan” anything with him anymore but I will continue to ponder the ideas and topics that he brought up… he openned up a nice can of worms!

While my Saturday started off sad it got better. For the past 3 weeks my ex-husband has been engrossed in the process of organizing our daughter’s birthday party. He has been communicating with me about it on a regular basis. In the end the only thing I did was make the invitations and the punch. Last spring I realized that there is nothing that give me greater joy than doing parenting things with my baby-daddy. We seperated 4 1/2 years ago and have continued to celebrate Christmas together as well as other activities here and there. However, our daughter is entering into the tweens and have made a renewed commitment to share notes and work together. We are like regular parents who pass along the primary care therefore there is never a question as to who is in charge and who says: “Don’t talk to your mother/father like that!” We both come from divorced households with parents who verbally loathed each other for years. Can you think of a better method to kill your child’s soul!? So we spent the day together with 9 kids running around and at one point he looked at me smiling and said; “Aren’t you glad we have a daughter?” That is a loaded question but I just said yes. So basically my ex managed to turn Saturday into Mother’s Day at my house which I haven’t really celebrated in years. He was in a super good mood, smiled profusely and made geeky small talk. This is good as he is often grumpy which is not attractive. I will assume he is not grumpy because he has a girlfriend and leave it at that. He seemed really happy when I thanked him, I got a hug and was inspired to request something from him. Really, it is a very simple request but vague… So within 6 weeks I will find out if he grants it, and if so, how.

A caveat of my day Saturday is that I somehow managed to put my back out by simply squatting down to take pictures of the kids. I was so much in pain that for 8 hours I had nausea. I feared food poisonning but then got really hungry. Plus it was the first day of my periods so I had cramps… The whole stack of feelings was utterly overbearing but I managed to keep supervising the kids and kept a bucket close by. In my book, only kids are allowed to throw up at birthday parties so I was self-concious!

After dinner I checked my e-mails and got a nice note from my friend Chuck (was my bf in 1989) He has now started his second pilgrimage to New-Brunswick on foot. He started that last year leaving Quebec City only to get injured within 48 hours so it is now done “sur le pouce”. Chuck goes to Moncton to spend a few hours with his daughter. He has been getting the shitty end of the stick for 12 years when it comes to seeing her. To make matters worse, as soon as his daughter became old enough to decide where she would like to spend her time, her mother moved her to another province. This whole bitter and creepy parental denial thing moms do should be considered a crime. Chuck is a pretty tough guy who has worked as a tour guide, ski instructor and wind surfing instructor for almost 40 years. He once drove a beat-up lemon in a snow storm to come to Montreal to have dinner with me… he had just had a bad mountain bike accident and had metal rods poking out of his hand. Serious, I didn’t even know that when we made plans! He drove back in the same snow storm with only one working hand… Even though he is over 50 now and recently got his MBA, he is still an adventurer at heart. It’s always been easy for me to see him as a travelling partner in the future but that future keeps eluding me because I have responsabilities here. I will make official arrangements to spend a bit of time with him. Last time I got more than 90 minutes (in between connections) with him was 3 years ago already. Time flies!

After dinner, Yoshi asked how I was doing and I mentionned the unsurmountable pain and he offered to come over and give me a massage. My cat also offered me a massage but I refused. He has professional strength claws. So Yoshi worked his magic on me and I was quickly feeling better. He asked me why I was sad and told him I got my e-mail from Mr. M. and had mixed feelings about it. Now, I haven’t had sex in weeks and perhaps only once in the past month but what I missed most was affection… and by that I don’t mean I missed getting affection but giving it. So Yoshi and I cuddled and I stroked his hair for a while. We wound up reminiscing about the worst week ever which was exactly two years ago. It was the perfect storm of catastrophies and while none of it was my fault, I was stuck in triage for two weeks. And then everything fell back into place perfectly and it all hinged on my executive decision to send Yoshi’s mom to a homeless shelter (she was evicted from her place.) Yoshi and I chuckled that by doing this I effectively bought his mom a two-month vacation. She was so happy being on her own and spent her two months is a semi-private room. It was a really nice shelter… For 19 years she had one or two boys to care for on her own, mostly on welfare, almost always depressed and suddenly… no more! She was a different person. For the time being, I was the one who had two teenagers wrestling around my living room but that was super easy to manage compared to managing a 50 y.o. teenager. Now Yoshi is the one who cares for them on a daily basis. He has way more on his plate than I do but he makes it a point to care for me on a quasi-daily basis. However, I feel he has to move on. I am 16 years older than he is and eager to find someone my own age to be with (I have been harping on about this for a while…) So recently, when I told him I needed time to sort out things with Mr M. he changed his Facebook status to Single! When he left, he told me he was very happy. He wrote me a long e-mail Sunday morning elaborating on what we talked about and on his plans. I really love it when he does that. It’s an insight into his progress. For two years, our relationship has been rooted in a BDSM model. We have a mentor/student relationship (not a master/slave relatioship. Duh!) Seems to me that this is a relationship that must include a “graduation” at some point and I think he is ready. He is attached to me and I am attached to him too but it is an important step for me. I don’t want to dump him, I want him to move on to the next step in his life! I can see us in the future continuing our friendship (like Chuck and I have over almost 20 years) while we are both with more similar partners. This is aaaakwaaaard… but then again it has to be talked about, prepared and executed. To people around me, I am the woman who has a super cute 21-year-old lover… that may make some women giggle but with guys it’s a totally different issue. Men I talk to casually have no insight into my absolute adoration of guys 35-40. The fact that I have been with someone so much younger for so long gives the wrong impression about the type of person I see myself with in the long run. I am someone who likes goals and steps and I don’t want to rush through this step while I am also developing a relationship with someone else so I want us to work through this in the short term.

So I fell asleep Saturday night perhaps planning Yoshi’s graduation party 🙂