Yesterday my daughter ‘asked’ me to stop bossing her around.

I wish I had someone to boss me around!

A boss defines a mission, goals and keeps everyone on track.

I watched The Secretary again last night. Hadn’t seen the whole thing in 5 years. Now I feel like a silly, silly, silly girl! I’ve mentioned before how I have never been as socially retarded, unstable or gauche with anyone as I have been in my attempts at getting together with with Mr. M. It’s EPIC F.U. really.

Of course, it can be expected, he’s the first Dominant type I’ve ever encountered in a personal setting. I can’t help but get myself into trouble with him time and time again. Everything was going fine until the mission and plan we had set fell through. And since then I have been the silly, silly, silly girl who has tried without success to get a mission and plan back on track.

I’ve been trying to figure this out recently and I even mentioned it to him… I told him he is kind of hot when he remains out of reach. In fact, he is even hotter when out of reach but just two feet away! I thought that it was inaccessibility that was causing my brain to short circuit. Nope, out-of-reach is hot.

It’s the absence of a mission or common goal, however simple, is what is driving me nuts!!!

I don’t think it is such a good idea to come to a Domination/submission relationship in the same haphazard way as Lee and Mr. Grey do in ‘The Secretary’. I mean they live happily ever after but really, their whole journey is kind of hard to watch and creepy at times. Mr. M. and I have come to this situation quite haphazardly as there was NO indication originally that he would have this kind of effect on me. As I mentioned before, he inspired my recent introspection and change in strategy.

While I do have a learned approach to D/s, I have zero experience as the ‘s’. I am motivated to ‘try to please’ him but since there is no specific goal coming from him, it gives me nothing to accomplish. It makes me impatient.

I have a hard time waiting when I do not know what for.

However, I have unlimited patience if I do know why I am waiting.

Mr. M. is the one that initiated the journey and as much as I want him, we seem doomed. I cannot succeed in getting his attention when I want it and when he is there, I cannot place limits on him. Not limiting his access to me originally was my mistake. He is implacable.

I love being around those who express that they want or appreciate me in their life or simply love or appreciate the person that I am. I have gotten used to this kind of attention over the past 4-5 years. I have had it easy and continue to be spoiled (well, obviously I have worked for that appreciation at some point but it keeps on giving LOL)

As much as I love intense people and have confidence in my ability to deal with intense situations within a relationship, Mr. M.’s supremacy is scary.

In ALL my interactions with other people I dictate the rules of engagement, from when we can talk, and for how long, to what is acceptable as far as conversations go. My strategy of sidetracking CJO into a ‘project’ is working swimmingly. But it has it’s own issues which are fun to discuss (he teaches D/s dynamics so as far as mentors go, I can’t ask for a better one.) It’s awesome to be involved in the process of changing his life. It’s not all work, Once a week, out of the blue, and at an inopportune time he calls to break all the rules and  rattle my cage!

If there is no point, no mission and no goal then I obviously feel at a loss and cannot function properly in my interactions with others. I guess this is a confirmation that I am a total NERD.

I am looking for a level of power exchange that is intense enough that I cannot take this process lightly and I need to do it in a way that I am comfortable with as I discover myself and the kind of Man that I will mesh with the best.

Being a silly, silly, silly girl (around Mr. M.) does not embarrass me per say. Maybe it is my true submissive personae, my subspace; at least it is the only one I know for now.

But why the fuck would anybody want to be with someone so inept, hapless and uncontrolled!?!