Like sincerely, my goal of writing to Mr. M last week was to get personal closure. I was not expecting him to follow-up with me and in a positive manner at that.

Queue Katy Perry’s Hot ‘n Cold.

I have looked at why I am attracted or attached to certain people.

Where CJO is concerned I can see him fitting into my life and being worshiped by every single person who is around me. He’s a star. We are already working together on making his lifelong passion his full time job and Montreal could be a great base camp for him. Our connection is recent and he knows that I am being very careful to make sure we ‘align’ because getting together requires MAJOR work/living/family changes for at least one of us and obviously the kids too.

Where Mr. M is concerned the only motivation I have is that I want him just for me and that’s it. He is very much my muse. Choosing to work on my quasi-relationship with him is an entirely selfish thing and right now I am all about indulging in entirely selfish things as I am single!

Moreover, if unresolved, these feelings and this ‘what if?’ factor will poison any relationship I try to build in the future. Having a guy who doesn’t really seem to know what he wants (regardless of my feelings for him) buzz around when I was married and sincerely concentrating on my husband stirred so much shit. I am not about to ever let anyone do that to me again.

I have enacted a strategy to drive Mr. M nuts lay my cards on the table and try to address issues that seem to be clouding our communications. No issue is insurmountable I my book. Biggest issue is that we both appear to be afraid of each other. I am working on my issues regarding fear on my own and by myself.

I have enough recent insight to convince me that trying to resolve things is not moot. Because he usually likes what I write, I simply write to him with the intent to tickle and include as much specific info about where I’m at and where I intend to go (obviously my life is changing a lot right now.) Some of what I write is inherently pointless but entirely related to things we both like (for example, we are both shameless foodies.)

I love to write and eventually I shall be really good at it.

However, this strategy does not have an infinite time span, it’s rather short but not short-sighted. It will definately let me know if gets me and if he can put up with me and all the stuff I HAVE to do to keep my brain occupied. He is quite brilliant and challenging and technically I am supposed to be the one who is challenging enough for him.

I recongnize him as someone great with unlimited potential though I wish he would tell me where he is going.

I recently noticed that one-by-one, all my early and long-lived crushes are turning out to be ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY brilliant! I’ve always had this ability to spot a gem.

Twenty years ago I saw this guy on Unsolved Mysteries talk about how his roommate got shot. Struggling musician, living in a bad part of L.A., Henry Rollins opened the door and a guy held a gun to his head and tried to shoot him in the face. Instead the bullet grazed him and instead, killed his roommate and best friend. I was completely enamored with the punk rocker guy who is obviously brilliant, super thoughtful and vulnerable. Well, he’s still fantastic and he actually makes his living being himself and he has always been source of inspiration even though I have never really heard him sing. He is super pissed that he cannot find a woman that challenges him. I hear you dude. And when, OMIGOD, similar BIG personalities meet they just clash LOL I wonder how long it takes for me to becomes TOTALLY jaded and pissed off at not finding a partner. Hopefully I never do.

It is not my style to do nothing especially now that I trust my ability to recognize a great connection. If it’s not mutual then let’s move on.

I have gotten to a point where I manage social interactions very tightly. It comes from having 3 boyfriends and remaining on good terms with the ones that came before that for the past 20 years. I have so much adaptability when it comes to guys so I have a lot of confidence in being able apply this experience to develop something fantastic with ONE guy.

I cannot stand to have someone waste my time anymore. From those who ping me for attention without putting any thought into their offering to entrepreneurs who have no idea where they are going. But I don’t tell people to fuck off. On the other hand I am super keen to offer help/resources to those I really like. I do it as a method to foster a long term relationship and the vast majority of the time the intent is pure friendship. This works really well on total gems 🙂

ETA: OMIGOD!! Henry Rollins has the same opinon on Diamonds !!! I lost my article that essentially has the same content plus my Ethical Engagement Plan article a while back I totally have to re-write it now!