The impact of sexualisation: Body image and gender inequality

In the past it was adult women who felt the imperative to look ‘hot’ and ‘sexy’, now this imperative is being adopted by younger and younger girls who will inevitably face the same feelings of inadequacy and failure to live up to an unrealistic ideal. The mass media promotes and reinforces an idealised notion of beauty for both men and women, presenting standards – of thinness for women and of muscularity for men – that few can ever hope to achieve. The effects of this are apparent – eating disorders are on the rise. The eating disorder charity BEAT estimates that 1.6 million people in the UK have an eating disorder. The vast majority of these – some 1.4 million – are female.37 And now we’re starting to see what happens when you tweak the message – young women need to be not only thin, but also sexually desirable. As anorexia increases so now does the number of young women having breast implants at an increasingly younger age. (Zuckerman and Abraham (2008) from this review.)

Recently, Heidi Montag went through a long list of procedures to change her appearance (notice I am not using the words improve here because enough people have weighed in on the transformation.) I am not a Heidi or a Speidi fan and have never watched the Hills but I am very familiar with who she is (or she is portrayed to be) from the immense amount of media coverage she gets. When I saw the after pictures I was a little surprised. In fact I could not even believe it was her in this hilarious video posted on Funny or Die.

Originally I blamed the blown-up look on post plastic surgery swelling but in a recent ‘The Hills’ advertisement Heidi Montag still looked like an over-Photoshopped version of herself from a magazine cover. You know how celebrities have to face underhanded or stupid comments from fans or industry people on a daily basis? I can only imagine that one too many people commented on the fact that Heidi did not look as pretty in person as in her incredibly stylized and made-up magazine covers. And I say that because having gone through two incredibly debilitating and painful procedures that took forever to heal (c-section and breast reduction) I know that it takes a lot of consideration to choose to undergo elective procedures. I also have over 20 friends who are in the process of adjusting their appearance and bodies through sex-reassignment surgery and feminization surgeries to math the gender on the inside as they transition from male-to-female or female-to-male so I have toned down my vocal disdain of plastic surgery over the past few years but I will not change my position when it comes to my child.

My daughter was born with malformation of her toes and as she grows up I try to consider how she will react when people around her start to comment on her crooked toes and possibly being cruel about it. She knows her toes are crooked but so far doesn’t make a fuss about it. I am bracing myself for having to manage issues of body image with my daughter as she becomes a teenager in the next few years because of how glamourized her favorite teen stars are today (Hannah Montana and Raven Simone come to mind.) But we watch America’s Next Top Model together and sometimes they even have normal girls like us on.

Glamour originally was a magical-occult spell cast on somebody to make them believe that something or somebody was attractive. In the late 19th century terminology a non magical item used to help create a more attractive appearance gradually became ‘a glamour’. Today, glamour is the impression of attraction or fascination that a particularly luxurious or elegant appearance creates, an impression which is better than the reality.

So now that Heidi has changed herself into and even more glamourized version of a Heidi, the all encompassing obsession to reach an ideal that does not exist has come full circle.

There are some interesting insights on social changes that can be gleaned from Tiger Woods’ string of affairs. For the most part I do not feel like knowing much about the intimate details of his affairs. I also stay away because it infuriates me how young women use their closeness to (or hook up with) celebrities to promote their decorative career. I don’t read the gossip rags anymore… I don’t have to because even the ’serious’ press like Huffington Post and CNN is plastered wall-to wall with the details of celebrity and political sex scandals. And even as a sex-positive woman it annoys me to no end to have to wade through personal details that are none of my business to get to news content about serious issues. Maybe this obsession with other people’s sex lives tells us a lot about the state of American’s sex life (or lack thereof.)

One of my partners has been in SAA for 6 months because he has serious affective issues and social anxiety and he also seems to have fetishized himself into a corner where no woman could meet his expectations… Other than that he’s a gorgeous athletic man whose always the life of the party and all the women want to have sex with him. No, I’m not talking about Tiger Woods, but the similarities are striking! Tiger is the guy who is keen on having threesomes and extreme sex acts as we find out by gleaning at his mistresses’ published text messages.

Here’s the problem with that scenario. When a man’s expectations of sex have been distorted by pornography all the women in the world will not provide him with the reward or feeling he is looking for and being the guy who HAS access to a lot of beautiful women creates a perfect storm of issues that usually become more and more destructive to one’s life. I understand that Sex Addiction is not a recognized addiction (an it doesn’t really have much to do with sex either) but when a man pursues sex aggressively he is ‘chasing’. And it’s called chasing because there is not catch to be had… ever. There has been an amazing change in my partner since I dumped him and he started SA treatment in late November 2009 but he remains a diva and still thinks it’s a virtue. (When I told him this he though I was paying him a compliment which adds another interesting layer to the intended conversation.)

I am not against having fun, in fact I participate in incredibly fun BDSM and Sex events with my friends and originally I was keen on organizing a birthday orgy for my partner. When I realized that he had issues with sex I thought that this would be an incredibly negative and disappointing experience for him and everybody else involved. I took my cue from John Doe, a porn star who was a sex addict and drug user who eventually committed suicide. Yet John Doe’s job was having sex with the most beautiful young porn stars on a daily basis and to most people that would be a dream job. I watched John Doe through the years become more and more critical of the women he worked with, something that is obvious in the attitude of a lot of male porn stars who have been around for a long time and his substance abuse eventually became apparent as well. Yet I would love to write John Doe’s life story because I feel it is an important one.

When men hit that place where women just don’t do it for them anymore (even though they pursue women for sex a lot) they take it out on women rather than face the fact that they are the one with the problem. I wonder why am I surrounded by awesome intelligent and attractive hot men and my partner is going on and on about how every women he meets is not his type or up to par! And that is why it has become annoying for me to bear the burden of women around my partner being frustrated with him for being indifferent or ’stringing them along’. I mean I am in the same boat but I have a very general view of the situation and understand that it has nothing to do with me specifically.

I sent him home last week and informed him that he would no longer be my priority, which is hard for me to do because I tend to assign attention based on seniority. Making that decision and taking that step has resulted in the two most successful weeks of my entire life when it comes to my career and happiness.

There are plenty of men in my life who do not consume any porn. And my answer is always “Really?!” because it’s become so pervasive it’s disturbing. It used to be that you would have to search long and hard to find porn and for the past decade you have to make an effort to avoid it! And now with all the major medias contributing to the effort by talking about porn star’s affairs and politician’s private trysts, the news itself has become porn! Turns out the Clinton-Lewinski affair really did change the landscape of what is discussed in the news and for the very worst. And now, sadly, we are all stuck in porn land.

But I will repeat it, men who do not consume porn are generally more satisfied with their life and happier.

“SHEEC wants Brown students to be informed consumers, as well as sexually-aware individuals, so of course we’ll have events about these things. Because sex toys aren’t regulated in the way that other products are, standards and materials can vary widely, and we wish to inform the Brown population about what items are body-safe and instruct them in the proper care of themselves AND their toys.”

I wholeheartedly agree with that!

Hope you had a great Sex Week!

Spartacus is also the first TV series produced for the Doom generation, who have grown up with over the top violence in video games. Just when the violence reaches that level where it will make you hurl, the makers of Spartacus take it up another notch with long slow motion scenes of beheadings and augmented reality blood. Spartacus has the gore level of Kill Bill with the detail application of C.S.I. However, it goes much farther than both in its depiction of gore and as such is a landmark series.

I am not offended by gore, I watch C.S.I. religiously but it’s inside the body shots tell a tale of injury and they are stunningly produced. It’s the same technique that was brilliantly done in the movie Three Kings. I am also keen to watch people hit each other or poke each other with sharp objects live for sports whether in the contact of BDSM piercing or cutting play or during martial arts or fight training, so I am a fan of blood sports.

However, with Spartacus it’s more of a “How can we shoot someone getting mortally wounded and make it even more unbearable to watch?” While the production value is good, it’s the editing that tries too hard with annoying swishy cuts that distract from the content.

What’s missing?

Since this series is made for guys from the status bar generation, I would add indicators at the bottom counting down the time until the next sex scene and the next gore fest… Oh and let’s not forget the frag count!

ETA on May 1, 2010: I have uploaded a bit from You Have Been Watching with Charlie Brooker as he takes on Spartacus: Blood and Sand. In it, Liza Tarbuck, English actress and television and radio presenter, says of Spartacus: Blood and Sand: “It does feel outrageously macho and it needn’t have been to be better.” and I wholeheartedly agree with her. Spartacus is so gory that it makes it unwatchable. I have suffered through more gore in 4 episodes than I care to witness in my whole life. The rest of the show is great!

photo by nieljs

Inspired and amused, I immediately began a worldwide social experiment where I punk Craigslist’s lonely hearts with completely fake stories about a sexy missed connection with a random stranger. And I do try to make my stories unlikely and strange but I always get a few responses. I think I have discovered the why and wherefore of Missed Connection… I look forward to sharing it with you through this series.

Here is my first Missed Connection!

Hey Mr. Panty Pealer – w4m – 37 (Midtown)

I hailed a cab in front of The Container Store on East 58th Street on Friday, Nov. 21. It was 1:30 PM. You came running out of 150 58th Street. As I was about to open the door curbside you showed up street side and asked to share. I said I was heading to 7th and 35th (ABC Carpet and Home) and you said you were heading lower and would gladly pay the fare.

You eventually got in and and looked at me with a huge smile. I asked if you were in a hurry and you said: “I’m late. I’m late for a very important date.” This made me smile. However, you proceeded to charm the panties off of me with your pointless yet amusing conversation. Your blue eyes are quite hypnotic.

Thanks for the free cab ride but I really liked those panties you stole from me. Is there any way I could get them back?

Mr Flamingo Wrote: “Omg, you must be adorable, how did this happen? I wish I had this happen to me, how are you doing this evening?”

A horny bastard wrote: “Anyway, I’m wearing your panties now, they’re a bit tight, and getting tighter! ”

When I asked a third respondent about why he wrote to me even though he is not my Panty Peeler he wrote : “I read missed connections because after being married for 10 years and together with her for 15…..I am missing passion. I have never even kissed another woman in those years but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately… I’ve felt some “missed connections” with women that I’ve spoken to or made eye contact with but nothing has ever come out of them. I’d like to make this a reality one day!”